A Horrid Fear...

Only a handful of people know about this, but I have this horrible, horrible fear that I've just been lucky when it comes to me doing well in mathematics.

It's definitely one of my biggest fears...I mean, it's above clowns!

It's this fear that I'm actually really stupid, but no one has found out yet.

I'm starting to think that if this is true, it has taken me pretty far academically; and I'm beginning to wonder how far it will take me. Will it take me to grad school? And then when I get to grad school will I look like an idiot and fail out? Or will it take me all the way to a PhD? And then when I get in the real world will I get hired somewhere and become a complete failure? Or will it take me all the way through life, with no one ever finding out the huge impostor that I really am!?

For completely selfish reasons, I hope it's the last one...

At times it just feels like I've known the right people, been in the right places, and been exposed to the right situations; but when it comes down to it, I'm not actually smart at all, and my true mental capacity hasn't been exposed to everyone else yet. It's quite a horrible feeling.

The reason I bring this up is because RFM is making me realize that this fear might actually be a reality. At times (ok, like 99.99% of the time) the class seems completely over my head.

The only thing that keeps me going: my love of mathematics.

I mean, I really love math. Even with this impossibly difficult class, I still think it's so beautiful, so pure, and so fascinating. Math makes me happy, and when I'm "learning" it, I have this feeling of contentment; that it's what I'm suppose to be doing (please watch this, it's hilarious!).

So I will continue to read Walter Rudin every night before I go to bed. I will continue to work 4 times as hard in this class than the rest. I will continue to have this horrible fear. And I will continue to love math more and more each day...

Hopefully this thing never catches up with me...